I which we tried, seriously, to get pregnant (no joking) and it still didn't happen (WTF?)

Dumbfounded, really, is the only way I can describe it. Um, a little annoyed. And like - "NO, really, I said I'd like to be pregnant now, not later. Obviously you didn't get that the first time, fuckard." Frustrating because there is no management to appeal to here. There is no reasoning or rationalizing my way into being pregnant. I have actually asked friend(s) who have children, "So, How does that work, how did you actually GET pregnant. I mean - details." As if, I'm doing it wrong. My logical mind cannot grasp that I am not able to accomplish this task given that I understand the process and the directions. I have a high success rate. Generally, when I attempt something, I succeed. I've even started thinking recently - "Do I only try things that I know I can do?" "Have I only attempted the easy things?" Like getting knocked up is a law degree or a marathon (things I would like to try but haven't). Did I not attempt them because I knew I wold fail? Have I taken the easy path my whole life? Do any of my accomplishments really mean anything? And then I realize - but this is getting pregnant! Retards do it! Bad people do it! So, while I fully, 100%, totally deserve to get pregnant whenever I FEEL like it, I am getting the shaft. Oh, and that's great because I totally deserve the shaft. I've been luckier than 1 person should ever hope to be in a life.

Bastards.

I am that woman who reads a news article about a woman who has a baby diagnosed inutero with a fatal tumor, and then reads a few lines down that she already has 4 children, and thinks - oh, she already HAD 4 children, what does she expect?

Or sees the pregnant woman and automatically thinks, "WHORE!"

I am not the woman who has "always wanted to be a mother", or thinks a child will "complete me". I'm too pragmatic for that kind of sentimental bullshit. Really, I am the woman who has tried, TRIED to make good choices and plan, plan, plan. I have tried to do the "right" thing. That included waiting until I was "set" and "ready", etc, etc. to have a child. Now that I am finally "ready", the result is a resounding "too bad".

Worse, one of my facebook friends who was married after me just announced that she is 3 months pregnant and posted a picture of her embryo/fetus as her default picture. Whore. Yeah, I'm jealous. And why do I feel like I am back in High School again? Why do I feel like she is smarter/better than me because she can get pregnant?

I go back to the doctor on the 30th. It will be a new doctor since we moved. I'm going to try to refrain from sitting myself down on the examination table and shouting, "What the fuck, Chuck?!?" At the doctor. It is not, after all, his fault.