The First Year

I thought, not sure why, that F and I would sail through the first year marriage unscathed. Not so. Turns out it's harder than I thought and F had a lot of preconceived notions about marriage just "working itself out" and "love being enough" and all that. It's hard sometimes to think that this marriage didn't ruin a really great relationship and that is terrifying. I don't want to fail again -I told you so. And sometimes, I get so angry, so frustrated that I want to leave and I realize that, for the first time in my life, I have no where else to go. This is the end of the line. So there is everything to lose.
And apparently, the job market isn't quite hailing my return as the comeback of the decade either. It's tougher than I thought out there and with all the dot commers and loan officers now flooding the market and willing to take much less compensation than their previous lives afforded them. The Feds aren't hiring either as they're currently being sucked dry by the now-retiring baby-boomers. Don't get me wrong, I know these people deserve their pensions and I'm glad they have them. It just makes no sense. Feds are now contracting out more of their work in some sectors than they're hiring internal folks to do, because, even if they pay employees significantly less, the retirement and benefits factor makes contractors, at significantly higher per hour rates, the more affordable option.
And in some 40 odd days we'll have a new CAC/POTUS.
If it's John McCain, F has seriously raised the possibility of becoming ex patriots because, to us, it would be such a phenomenal slap in the face and pending catastrophe. Don't be confused. John McCain is a war hero. He is a hero, but I think there is some very large constituent of people who, for purely altruistic reasons, want to reward him for spending 5.5 years in a Vietnamese prison camp with the presidency of the United States. So wrong, so dangerous. I don't blame him, given his history, for having anger management issues and perhaps impulse control issues, but I don't want him anywhere near the red button. And Palin. Such a cheap shot for the Hilary demographic, it's nauseating. What I can't understand is that, if he wanted to grab those 'up for grab' voters, why not choose a female running mate that is even remotely prepared for VP. There are PLENTY. This is a woman who was gunning for a news anchor spot only 2 years ago. And you all know all the rest, no foreign policy experience or even knowledge thereof, let alone an understanding of her current president's foreign policy. Maybe it's big words that confuse her? Charlie Gibson maybe should have asked - "Do we like those bad middle eastern guys?" I would have appreciated it. At least I could have come away with some understanding of her feelings and anticipated her positions. As for as the debates that McCain in now trying to shield her from. It will happen. She will look like an idiot. Republicans will hail her as a maverick and an agent for real change and excuse her ignorance and lack of basic understanding of national issues. It SO doesn't matter. Dumb the questions down.
I wonder what Man Coulter has to say? I'm sure she's had plenty to say but I avoid her hate filled verbal diarrhea and avoid it all costs. I just want to shake her and say, "It is OK to be a woman trapped in a man's body!" No need to take it out on the innocent public, and no need to plaster awkward picture of yourself posed in strange positions in clothes that reveal just a little too much post op tranny-ness on the cover of your idiot books. Yeah, if democrats had any brains, they'd be republicans - but if Coulter had a vagina, she's be a woman.
Can't escape the economy; can't escape the idiots and can't escape the effect of these factors on a new marriage. Broke much? Bitter much? CHECK.

Frinnefreid's Lump

F found an angry, swollen lump on the inside of his thigh. He's generally hyper-vigilant about his health, so I didn't worry about it. I knew that he would have it looked at.
F has been to the doctor for things in the past that were completely ridiculous and frankly, bordering on hypochondriac-ish for as long as I've know him. No need to worry about him seeing a doctor.
Last night I asked F for the 3rd or 4th time if he had made an appointment yet. No, he said - and he wasn't going. I guess I could think about that differently if F hadn't had cancer 4 years ago.
One of our first dates was when I accompanied F to the oncologist for his 6 month screening. He drank a jug of barium and had several x rays.
I asked him to please see a doctor. I begged him to see a doctor. He refused. Then I cried. Then I got angry. Why should it be so hard for him to do something so simple - if not for himself, for me?
I threatened.
After all - why shouldn't I smoke? I love smoking. I don't do it, except on rare occasion, because F worries. Before we started dating, I smoked a pack a day and loved every single one. I don't do that anymore.
But I am pretty sure that if I had to bury F, I'd start back up because the truth is, the true thing that I loved about smoking was the fact that it was killing me. That is why I really savored every minute and jumped out of bed to do it at the beginning of every day.
I am so, so lucky - but so, so tired. I feel like I have had my share - more than my share.
Surviving my childhood and surviving my first marriage, well I have just had enough for now. So, I don't think I'd take up smoking again, if I had to bury F. I think I'd take the shorter route.
And so, F made an appointment to see his doctor.

e-fuckz

Today I have officially crossed the threshold. I hate my job. It wasn't any one major thing - oh no, it never is. Just like there is no sudden, nervous breakdown - it's this daily living that wears u thin. BTW - "Nervous Breakdown" was a medical term that was removed from the lexicon in the 70s. They no longer exist and every time you tell me that your doctor told you that you had a "nervous breakdown" I know you are full of shit.
Anyway - I've been toying with the idea of quitting all day. Just quit. It is sucking the fucking life out of me. F has been home from for Korea for about 30 hours and I've already been phenomenally pissed off at and bitchy to him 2 times! I can't control myself, even though I want to. And I am on every bipolar, anti-anxiety, depression medication available to man plus therapy once a week - so I've eliminated a chemical imbalance as being the source of my work-related angst. It's them - not me.
If I hear one more fucking client whine "What should I do now" right AFTER I JUST TOLD THEM, I am going to lose it.
Lord. And - I hate how this blog is all about negativity ALL the time. I don't have any regular readers, but if I did, or if I read it, I would be sick and tired or listening to me whine already.
My life IS pretty great - it's just that for 9 hours of every day it is monopolized by utter fucktards that ruin the remaining 15 hours of the day - and my time with F.
I'm so bitchy, I'm such a bitch to him; it's unreal. I know it's the stress; I also know that that is NO excuse. I know what it is like to be married to someone who is completely overwhelmed by their work - and I do it anyway!
The younger me, the better me would have walked out - quit, told them to fuck off. I've done it a dozen times before, and for less valid reasons. I've left jobs because our philosophies don't mesh. I've left jobs over principle. I left a job to protect a co-worker who I wasn't particularly close to!! (She needed the job more than I did, I reasoned. She was older and would have had a harder time securing a similar position at another company, but I was in college.)
I've posted my resume to some gov't jobs. I will sit tight, but I don't know how much more I can take.