I which we tried, seriously, to get pregnant (no joking) and it still didn't happen (WTF?)

Dumbfounded, really, is the only way I can describe it. Um, a little annoyed. And like - "NO, really, I said I'd like to be pregnant now, not later. Obviously you didn't get that the first time, fuckard." Frustrating because there is no management to appeal to here. There is no reasoning or rationalizing my way into being pregnant. I have actually asked friend(s) who have children, "So, How does that work, how did you actually GET pregnant. I mean - details." As if, I'm doing it wrong. My logical mind cannot grasp that I am not able to accomplish this task given that I understand the process and the directions. I have a high success rate. Generally, when I attempt something, I succeed. I've even started thinking recently - "Do I only try things that I know I can do?" "Have I only attempted the easy things?" Like getting knocked up is a law degree or a marathon (things I would like to try but haven't). Did I not attempt them because I knew I wold fail? Have I taken the easy path my whole life? Do any of my accomplishments really mean anything? And then I realize - but this is getting pregnant! Retards do it! Bad people do it! So, while I fully, 100%, totally deserve to get pregnant whenever I FEEL like it, I am getting the shaft. Oh, and that's great because I totally deserve the shaft. I've been luckier than 1 person should ever hope to be in a life.

Bastards.

I am that woman who reads a news article about a woman who has a baby diagnosed inutero with a fatal tumor, and then reads a few lines down that she already has 4 children, and thinks - oh, she already HAD 4 children, what does she expect?

Or sees the pregnant woman and automatically thinks, "WHORE!"

I am not the woman who has "always wanted to be a mother", or thinks a child will "complete me". I'm too pragmatic for that kind of sentimental bullshit. Really, I am the woman who has tried, TRIED to make good choices and plan, plan, plan. I have tried to do the "right" thing. That included waiting until I was "set" and "ready", etc, etc. to have a child. Now that I am finally "ready", the result is a resounding "too bad".

Worse, one of my facebook friends who was married after me just announced that she is 3 months pregnant and posted a picture of her embryo/fetus as her default picture. Whore. Yeah, I'm jealous. And why do I feel like I am back in High School again? Why do I feel like she is smarter/better than me because she can get pregnant?

I go back to the doctor on the 30th. It will be a new doctor since we moved. I'm going to try to refrain from sitting myself down on the examination table and shouting, "What the fuck, Chuck?!?" At the doctor. It is not, after all, his fault.

And so it goes...

It has been a month now. 6 weeks since I gave my notice and went to work for my current company. Since that time I have received 1 cease and desist letter and a shit storm of threats designed to scare me into quitting my job for fear of being sued. I've been advised that their threats are bluffs, but not knowing when or where you might be accosted by a process server, is taxing. I am hoping that the last last certified letter is the last correspondence, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Keep you fingers crossed.
In other news. Well, possibly getting sued pretty much consumes all of my time and energy. If I' not dealing with it, I'm thinking about dealing with it. Sucks.
And. I've been trying to get pregnant. For awhile.
Turns out, what happens accidentally to most women, and with not too much thought or planing for other women, doesn't happen at ALL for me. Not to say that it won't, but damn. Really? It's been close to eight months. I spent a lot of time worrying I was pregnant when I was younger, when really? I shouldn't have bothered.
So. Not to harp on it, but I did go for some testing (everything looks good - 3 small fibroids, but nothing that would prevent a pregnancy) so, now I have another appointment with my ObGyn to discuss this in more detail. I really want to just discuss it because, um, the whole situation freaks me out.
And, well, maybe people that don't just get pregnant aren't supposed to be pregnant, you know? Like, what if I'm fighting destiny or the "way things should be even though I can't know or see the reason"? What if I fuck with the cosmos and disrupt the balance of the universe? I know, I am not that important in the grand scheme of things, but something feels very wrong about messing with "mother nature".
But, I am 33. And they say that if I want to do this, I need to do it now rather than later. I see the point; I understand that I can't just go on waiting for years. I mean, I can but waiting a few years will mean another set of obstacles.
So there's that.
Otherwise, we just got back from a weekend out of state with good friends, good food and all the raucous nonsense and silliness that I used to take for granted before we moved so far aways from everyone. Here on the right coast. It was so fun and so sad to realize that moments like these are so few and far between now. I used to take friends and family for granted. So that's what I'm doing right now.