Kooza

F took me to see Kooza for Halloween - as always, Cirque Du Soleil was excellent. I really can't emphasise enough how great the show always is. Here's a little background, if your interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cirque_du_Soleil

We saw the performers in this picture. See the woman literally bent in half backward? Seriously.

In other news, I've been agonizing over Thanksgiving and what to do. I think F and I have decided to forgo the whole thing. I know I'll come away even more profoundly hurt, upset, angry, disgusted than I am now. If two plane tickets are the price for a small piece of sanity, I'm happy to pay. So many wasted plans, broken promises, lies and all the rest of it. I'm so weary. Of course, it also means I'll not see my nephew. And that hurts - a lot. I'll send him a book, write him a letter, but it is not the same. I try to think of my favorite aunt growing up - we often went long periods without seeing her, but I loved her just the same and the excitement when I did get to see her was almost unbearable. I'm hoping I can fly my sister and nephew out here sooner rather that later.

I think I'm starting to get around the initial hurt, disappointment and confusion that my mother's latest falling off of the wagon and subsequent threats, retractions and all around bad behavior has caused. I'm also getting around the fact that some people just aren't going to care how deeply I am hurt or why. They will judge, dictate how I should live my life, determine what I should think, how I should feel and withhold their love and approval until I do so. But I think I'm finally realizing - that isn't love at all and never was. I couldn't bear to do it to the ones I really love, myself. My love is the all or nothing kind. I love you - all the way, even when you make poor choices, even when you fail, even when your convictions clash with my conscience. And anyone not offering up the same in return, well, it wasn't love after all, now was it?

Thanksgiving

I was inspired by another blog to put down some things that I am thankful for. I know I spend a lot of my time critically examining my life and my circumstances. I generally call a spade a spade and have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I *do* believe that the unexamined life is not worth living - otherwise, why bother? Why bother with the joy and the sorrow and the tears and laughter and all the wonderfulness and sorrow if not to attempt to put it into some relevant context and figure out - why? Sorrows and happiness mean so much more when I understand their deeper meaning instead of just blowing through them thoughtlessly, waiting for the next season. Further, I believe that better understanding and meaningful contemplation results in a better lived life. Maybe not *happier*, but more thoroughly, meaningfully lived. That's also why I don't read self-help "12 steps to a better, happier you" bullshit paperbacks. The discovery is the evolution.
I am thankful (and let me just say, thankful in 'spirit' to the 'universe' in general instead of thankful to a godhead or other such business) for a good, loving, genuinely selfless and devoted husband. I don't think we have it all figured out. I think we DO have all the ingredients though, and that IS rare.
I'm thankful that I have had the courage to live my convictions, even when they have made my life uncomfortable.
I'm thankful that I didn't misspend my youth. I took some detours, but can generally account for most of it and think I spent it wisely.
I am thankful that I am still young.
I am thankful I have choices and can see things in shades of grey rather than black and white. I'm thankful that I don't paint myself in a corner like some do. I am thankful that kindness and compassion seem logical to me in the political sphere. I would dislike very much to be a political hate monger and to think of that position as the only thing that makes sense.
I am thankful to have and to have had friends who are genuine, caring and accepting and to have known the difference.