August is the Cruelest Month

Instead of being 33,000 miles in the air right now, drunk from an airport lounge Bloody Mary and reading my new book - Hillbilly Gothic - on my way to Boise, I am 30 feet in the air, looking out my bedroom window.
All day it threatened rain, but remained only overcast. But of course, the moment I got on the freeway - 2 HOURS EARLY - to make my flight in Baltimore, it started pouring. Never mind that I took 2 hours off work. Never mind that I could have made it if the bitch at the counter had just let me use the automated kiosk, check myself in and run for it. Never mind that there was NO more flights out tonight to Boise.
I stormed out to the parking garage to catch the bus to short-term parking, and was told by the bus driver that he couldn't let me get on the bus there - that I had to go ALL the fucking way though the airport, to the other side, and get on the EXACT same bus, at the 'pick up'. I went back through the sliding doors, looked around, could not locate a 'down' escalated anywhere, and just flat yelled, "Could this month SUCK any harder?" Sensing that not everysinglyperson in the terminal had heard me, I screamed it. FUCK YOU.
Then it all hit me - what the hell is UP with this August? F's been gone for nearly a month. And my house is haunted. Big time. Bad, bad spirits and energy. I hate being here alone.
Other dumb shit that has happened this month:
My new insurance plan doesn't cover my OLD prescriptions, so I am now out 85 bucks every month.
The wedding dress I want/must have/can't live without/only thing I like/ is more money than I have to spend on a wedding dress at this time.
Because I never did get the raise that I was promised because my boss is a bullshit LIAR.
Smoking is bad for you. (This sucks every month - but why must everything that is the slightest bit enjoyable also kill you? Why?)
It costs 60 bucks to fill up my tank.
I've got NO money to buy tickets home for the holidays or for the honeymoon F and I said we were going to take in November.
My car is currently uninsured b/c the stupid state of MD apparently doesn't want my money.

EDITED to protect the innocent******
I am so bummed that I missed my damn plane.

D.O.N.E.

I love my nephew and my sister, but I am so, so ready to go home. I think if I'd stayed one day less, I might be quite sad about leaving - but I'm really ready to go. I'm a little sad that Baby won't remember our time together - because I always will. But I miss my little life and I miss F! I've got a direct flight out of Long Beach tomorrow and I am going to veg out, watch direct TV, read and NOT worry about anyone needing a nap or a diaper change.

I can't believe F won't be home for another week still. He doesn't have Internet on the ship and, of course, no cell phone. Even when he was in Antarctica, we never went this long without talking. In fact, when he was in Antarctica, we knew we only had a specific window, so we probably talked more then than we have since - on the phone at least.

I'm so looking forward to Boise! I haven't had enough adult interaction these past two weeks (two weeks!) and I mean *adult* interaction. Of course, I still have to figure out what type/kind of cake I'm going to make Rachel. She's getting a wedding cake this year - so, it'll have to be good. I'm thinking cupcakes, but they are SO overdone. Then again, it is Idaho.

Also, F's parents have been kind enough to plan a reception for us - since we didn't really have one and his family wasn't there. This will be over Columbus Day weekend, so winter. Of course, our wedding was summer, so that dress won't do. (Oh well!) I am so getting a winter wedding dress - maybe Victorian-style lace-up boots. I *wish* I could have this:

It's Vera Wang - so probably not in this lifetime, but I have loved this ensemble forever. Sigh.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Not quite yet, but soon enough. My sister is home from the hospital, BIL is back to work, and I've had a week and a half of caring for my nephew nearly all day, every day (thankfully, his father takes sleep-time). I've learned2 things.
1. Working from home is ridiculously difficult with a toddler (they get into everything and need constant attention - possibly do-able with an infant or an older child who was better able to self entertain, but not a child that you have to keep out of the electrical sockets and such.
and
2. I *require* a LOT of personal time, alone time, adult time.

I don't know why this would be different in relation to a baby as opposed to adults - I don't dig being around other adults ll the time either. In fact, unless I get ample alone time, I get pretty fussy. This alone time has to be outside of work. Free, alone time. I've noticed that, even though I don't spend that much time with F during the week, I still need some time to myself when I am not working. Even if we are only together for a few hours. If I am working the rest of the time - I need non-F time.
While F can find other ways to entertain himself for a few hours on an evening or a Sunday afternoon, babies cannot. No, babies want to (have to) go everywhere with you - even to the shower and the bathroom. Out of the last 14 showers I have taken, 11 have been with my nephew. He has to get clean; I have to get clean and I can't leave him alone for long.
Thankfully - my nephew is a fantastic baby. He entertains himself exceedingly well for a 15 month old and can play for hours, checking back with me every 30 minutes or so for a quick cuddle or a kiss of reassurance. I can run to the bathroom by myself; run upstairs quickly, etc. No problem (living room is baby-gated and baby-proof).
But - what if I got a 'high needs' baby? My father in law indicates that F didn't sleep through the night until he was a year old. When I say "not sleep through the night", I mean they had to walk the house with him all night, every night to get the kid to sleep. The minute they put him in his crib - he would immediately scream and continue until they picked him up and resumed walking the house with him. F has posited some theories as to why he is an only child - but I'm pretty certain this it the reason, and I don't blame them one bit. In fact, I don't know that it would have been wrong to give him up for adoption.
My mom has told me many a tale about how colicky I was and how I screamed, etc. BUT she went on the have 2 more kids, so I don't really put a lot of stock in that.
What if I got a baby like F?
That question gives me significant pause...

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fond?

F has been gone for 10 days now and I am officially missing him. My sister went in for her surgery this morning and I am on baby duty. Currently, the only occupation baby is interested in relate to 1. plugging random things into my computer and ripping out the powercord while I try to work and 2. opening and closing any doors he can locate (sliding, screen, cabinet, bathroom, etc.) He also has an affinity for the barbecue on the porch that has precluded us from spending much time out there. He also enjoys rubbing his hands, feet and face all over any dirty surface available. This morning he threw his breakfast of tomatoes, scrambled eggs, cheese and cheerios on the floor by way of dislodging his high chair tray and flinging it across the kitchen. Somehow he was then upset. (He did it!) At the moment he is creaming very near to my face and smells like poo. I now see why his mother keeps him in pajamas unless they are going somewhere. I think he needs a nap, but am working and can't lie down with him at the moment.
F, please save me.
The bad news is that, due to some ridiculous clusterfucketry, F will be gone for an additional week. The good news is that F won't have to go back to Korea again the following week, as previously planned.
I wish all sexually-active teenagers could come over to my sister's house and babysit for, say, an hour. This is the best birth control I have ever experienced - and no hormonal side affects, unless you count the sheer exhaustion. This is day 1. Little man and I are going to have to come to some sort of agreement about napping and eating. I am now covered with milk, scrambled eggs and poo.He is exhausted, but I can't get him to sleep for the life of me and he is now screaming upstairs. I love him to death, and I hope to God he never has to go to daycare because I just can't see anyone doing this unless they had an emotional investment. I'd call my mother, but she'd likely drive down here post-haste and there would be 5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment rendering us all insane.
Please remind me to get my tubes tied when I get home.

Gypsies, Tramps and Theives

Upon the advice of my PCP, I visited a local psychiatrist a few weeks ago. Psychiatry is not new to me; I have been in therapy/medicated for the last, oh, 15 years.
However, as you may have noticed, I've been a little off recently.
After roughly 15 minutes, the psychiatrist prescribed several anti-depressants/mood stabilizers and sent me to a therapist.
Feeling better now.
F has gone to Korea on experiment for 3 weeks. He'll be home for a week at the beginning of September and off again for another 2 weeks - which leaves me here. When I lived alone - I often spent entire weeks together alone, not seeing another person. I don't go out unless I have to and, because I work form my house, I don't often HAVE to. Further gas prices are so high, I often bundle the trips and errands I DO have to make, so I'm out far less. I go long periods of time without hearing my own voice. It's been awhile though. So, I'm waiting to see if I'll have any feeling about that.
I'm thinking I may be totally boring and "UN-witty" when I'm medicated and have nothing to say. Is that the price, though?
In some ways, I feel relieved. I feel the exact same today as I did yesterday, and I'm pretty certain I'll feel the same tomorrow, too. Just an even, steady...sameness. I guess.
I took this same medication in my early 20s as well for a few days, but promptly discontinued because it made everything in my head too "quiet". Not silence as in the absence of voices, though I do talk to myself quite a bit, but more like a rhythm. Like background noise at a party. Now I can hear the outside noises and there it's quiet in here. And I don't have any really strong feelings/opinions about anything.
I've also quit stressing out about the level cleanliness in my house, which has decreased the number of random rages that I fly into when the pile of laundry/stack of unshelved books/cat hair on the couch becomes overbearing and I can't sleep - I just get MAD.
The other issue I have is that I can't stop eating. Everything.