A Long Month

But a productive one.
I couldn't do *IT* anymore, and I needed time (3 weeks apparently) to figure out what this "it" was that was making my life seem unbearable to me. Even with the economy being in it's current state, even with the possiblity that things may not get better for a while, I quit my job. I simply said, "I cannot do this thing that I hate for one more day". I gave them an end date, and there it was. I was worried, too scared to write anything about it, becuase I have never been one for writing or talking when I am in limbo - I am pensive. I consider and reconsider the same angle, tactic, outcome and option over and over. I never actually get to a resolution, but I have to maintain that internal dialog, over and over, or I panic. Panic includes the general kind of panic as well as full-blown panic attacks that make me miserable all day and keep me awake all night. So, for safety's sake, I have to ruminate, regurgitate and gestate the same thought over and over.
My eCompany was taken aback - not that I quit or was unhappy, but that this time I meant it. I meant it so much that I told them I would rather wait tables or be a greeter at Wal*mart than do my job for one more hour after my tenure was expired. I'm going to work for one of our clients now, and I'll be contracted to teach one day a week for eCompany. But they have hired a new person to do my job, meaning that my position is occupied and there is no going back.
Now I'm in the last week of my position here and everything about my job angers and frustrates me. I have to remmeber that it was not always this bad, but in some important ways - it was ALWAYS this bad. And sometimes worse. Ah - what is that little guilt that I will not be there to put out that fire, that I will not be there to be taken advantage of? Why?
I will say that I would never have made the decision to quit if F had not supported it, pushed it and finally demanded that things change. My unhappiness is intolerable to him, and not just because it makes his life a living hell, but because my happiness is his happiness.
But quitting my job and now going into a new job has also made me consider other, larger issues. Is this the life that we want? Both in DC, both working for the government. Sure, the benefits are nice, the vacation is good, but isn't this the exact sort of rinse and repeat life we were trying to avoid at all costs? It was so much different when I worked from home on alternating shifts and he was a post doc. We often had all day Tuesday to lie in bed or go on a picnic, and I think that colors your world a different shade. Now we have Saturday and Sunday to cut the lawn and do chores with the rest of the world. What choices led us here?
We've been house shopping - not seriously, just spent a few Saturdays driving around seeing what we could afford. Apparently the answer, with both of our salaries, is very little. F would ideally like something that he can support on his own salary so we can someday have a family and I can have the choice to stay home and raise them. On F's salary, we can afford a smallish apartment in a bad part of town. F doesn't make bad money, he makes good money; the cost of living in DC ain't cheap. Just groceries and gas are a small salary; I don't know how teachers make it.
So, right now we are in limbo. I can't possibly make any plans for the new salary I'll be bringing in because I don't know if I'll like the new job yet and I won't handcuff myself to a position that I could hate. But that money would come in handy. Yes it would.