Tomorrow is my official last day. I start at the new place on the 17th. Mark my words; I am putting it down now so I can confirm later - there is a set up going on. I won't bore you with details, but there is something not right, something someone isn't saying.
Or do I always think that? Do I always think that people are plotting against me? I mention this because my therapist threw that out at me one time. She pointed something out to me and the FIRST thing I said was - "Oh, and she knew she was doing it; she meant to do it."
And the therapist said, "Well, or not." "It might just be a coincidence." And I was like, Oh, right. OK.
But what it people DO plot against me an more often than other people. What I mean is, What is I am plotted against more than the average person? or What if I am plotted against the SAME as the average person, but I am more *aware* and hence, better prepared to deal with said *plotting*.
Also -aren't delusions of persecution a hallmark of schizophrenia? Maybe I'm just nuts. It seems like I'm pretty good at calling this shit, but maybe I call it every single time, even when it isn't, thereby giving me a de-facto "calling it" rate of 100%. Maybe I'm not as much persecuted as untrusting or afraid that the rug is going to get pulled out from me all the time, as a way of life. I try not to live my life that way, but it almost seems like it's better to always be prepared even though nothing may happen than to not be prepared the one time you really needed it. Emotionally, I mean.
Other news - my mom fell of the wagon. Bad habits, old (not good) friends, etc. She is choosing to live her life the way that she wants to (as a drunk, I guess). I am choosing to live my life not being exposed to her toxic alcoholism and the hurtfulness that that implies. But - I totally saw it coming. ;)
My little sister doesn't want to take baby around her while she's "being an alcoholic". My other sister and my mom think that she is trying to "blackmail" my mom into NOT drinking, which she, of course, has no right to do. But, what if you don't want your kid around a drunk, even if she is your own mother, because you have seen that person make some really bad choices, and it has nothing to do with blackmail? What if that is just the choice that you are making for your child? The outcome, the effect is the same - the child does not see the alcoholic grandmother, and so she can say it is blackmail, call it blackmail all day, every day, and there is nothing you can do to prove it otherwise.
Which makes Thanksgiving tricky. I refuse to go home to the nauseating reality that IS my home on a "off the wagon" Thanksgiving. Been there, done that. Last year (or the year before) my sister didn't even get to eat before she had to drive my mom home because she nearly went face first into her plate of mashed potatoes. So F and I will be couch-surfing in LA instead of enjoying a family holiday with my FAMILY.
I am so pissed at my mom for letting me down again.
I am so pissed at her for lying again.
No matter how far away I get, her drinking always effects me; I cannot escape it. It's like she wants to, is determined to damage me with her drinking. Did it have to be now? 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. Not to mention, money is tight right now and I bought F and I tickets to go home for Thanksgiving INSTEAD of somewhere we could be alone and relax. THAT is how much I wanted to see my family and she has ruined it all again, just like she always does, every single time.
Like France. And my sister's wedding when she hit on one of my sister's friends MARRIED Dad - seriously. And the time she peed herself in public. And don't even get me started about when I was a kid.
And here we are, right back where we started. Just like every time.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
A Long Month
But a productive one.
I couldn't do *IT* anymore, and I needed time (3 weeks apparently) to figure out what this "it" was that was making my life seem unbearable to me. Even with the economy being in it's current state, even with the possiblity that things may not get better for a while, I quit my job. I simply said, "I cannot do this thing that I hate for one more day". I gave them an end date, and there it was. I was worried, too scared to write anything about it, becuase I have never been one for writing or talking when I am in limbo - I am pensive. I consider and reconsider the same angle, tactic, outcome and option over and over. I never actually get to a resolution, but I have to maintain that internal dialog, over and over, or I panic. Panic includes the general kind of panic as well as full-blown panic attacks that make me miserable all day and keep me awake all night. So, for safety's sake, I have to ruminate, regurgitate and gestate the same thought over and over.
My eCompany was taken aback - not that I quit or was unhappy, but that this time I meant it. I meant it so much that I told them I would rather wait tables or be a greeter at Wal*mart than do my job for one more hour after my tenure was expired. I'm going to work for one of our clients now, and I'll be contracted to teach one day a week for eCompany. But they have hired a new person to do my job, meaning that my position is occupied and there is no going back.
Now I'm in the last week of my position here and everything about my job angers and frustrates me. I have to remmeber that it was not always this bad, but in some important ways - it was ALWAYS this bad. And sometimes worse. Ah - what is that little guilt that I will not be there to put out that fire, that I will not be there to be taken advantage of? Why?
I will say that I would never have made the decision to quit if F had not supported it, pushed it and finally demanded that things change. My unhappiness is intolerable to him, and not just because it makes his life a living hell, but because my happiness is his happiness.
But quitting my job and now going into a new job has also made me consider other, larger issues. Is this the life that we want? Both in DC, both working for the government. Sure, the benefits are nice, the vacation is good, but isn't this the exact sort of rinse and repeat life we were trying to avoid at all costs? It was so much different when I worked from home on alternating shifts and he was a post doc. We often had all day Tuesday to lie in bed or go on a picnic, and I think that colors your world a different shade. Now we have Saturday and Sunday to cut the lawn and do chores with the rest of the world. What choices led us here?
We've been house shopping - not seriously, just spent a few Saturdays driving around seeing what we could afford. Apparently the answer, with both of our salaries, is very little. F would ideally like something that he can support on his own salary so we can someday have a family and I can have the choice to stay home and raise them. On F's salary, we can afford a smallish apartment in a bad part of town. F doesn't make bad money, he makes good money; the cost of living in DC ain't cheap. Just groceries and gas are a small salary; I don't know how teachers make it.
So, right now we are in limbo. I can't possibly make any plans for the new salary I'll be bringing in because I don't know if I'll like the new job yet and I won't handcuff myself to a position that I could hate. But that money would come in handy. Yes it would.
I couldn't do *IT* anymore, and I needed time (3 weeks apparently) to figure out what this "it" was that was making my life seem unbearable to me. Even with the economy being in it's current state, even with the possiblity that things may not get better for a while, I quit my job. I simply said, "I cannot do this thing that I hate for one more day". I gave them an end date, and there it was. I was worried, too scared to write anything about it, becuase I have never been one for writing or talking when I am in limbo - I am pensive. I consider and reconsider the same angle, tactic, outcome and option over and over. I never actually get to a resolution, but I have to maintain that internal dialog, over and over, or I panic. Panic includes the general kind of panic as well as full-blown panic attacks that make me miserable all day and keep me awake all night. So, for safety's sake, I have to ruminate, regurgitate and gestate the same thought over and over.
My eCompany was taken aback - not that I quit or was unhappy, but that this time I meant it. I meant it so much that I told them I would rather wait tables or be a greeter at Wal*mart than do my job for one more hour after my tenure was expired. I'm going to work for one of our clients now, and I'll be contracted to teach one day a week for eCompany. But they have hired a new person to do my job, meaning that my position is occupied and there is no going back.
Now I'm in the last week of my position here and everything about my job angers and frustrates me. I have to remmeber that it was not always this bad, but in some important ways - it was ALWAYS this bad. And sometimes worse. Ah - what is that little guilt that I will not be there to put out that fire, that I will not be there to be taken advantage of? Why?
I will say that I would never have made the decision to quit if F had not supported it, pushed it and finally demanded that things change. My unhappiness is intolerable to him, and not just because it makes his life a living hell, but because my happiness is his happiness.
But quitting my job and now going into a new job has also made me consider other, larger issues. Is this the life that we want? Both in DC, both working for the government. Sure, the benefits are nice, the vacation is good, but isn't this the exact sort of rinse and repeat life we were trying to avoid at all costs? It was so much different when I worked from home on alternating shifts and he was a post doc. We often had all day Tuesday to lie in bed or go on a picnic, and I think that colors your world a different shade. Now we have Saturday and Sunday to cut the lawn and do chores with the rest of the world. What choices led us here?
We've been house shopping - not seriously, just spent a few Saturdays driving around seeing what we could afford. Apparently the answer, with both of our salaries, is very little. F would ideally like something that he can support on his own salary so we can someday have a family and I can have the choice to stay home and raise them. On F's salary, we can afford a smallish apartment in a bad part of town. F doesn't make bad money, he makes good money; the cost of living in DC ain't cheap. Just groceries and gas are a small salary; I don't know how teachers make it.
So, right now we are in limbo. I can't possibly make any plans for the new salary I'll be bringing in because I don't know if I'll like the new job yet and I won't handcuff myself to a position that I could hate. But that money would come in handy. Yes it would.
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